ROCK 19: The Presidents of the United States of America

''This article is about the Eidolon Playtest episode. For the Eidolon, see The Presidents of the United States of America.''

"'We're not gonna make it.' -Not Gonna Make It, by The Presidents Of The United States of America"

The Presidents of the United States of America is the nineteenth episode of Eidolon ROCK and the fortieth episode of Eidolon Playtest Season 1. It covers the Alta Drive Jawbreakers meeting President Henry Dracula and convincing him to come with them.

Summary
Sabrina Bryan and the Alta Drive Jawbreakers are sitting around in a park in Memphis, Tennessee at 2:30am. Virginia Valentine is full of adrenaline from defeating her father. Sabrina isn't doing so great. Just before was the first time she used Burning Down the House, and she actively has to hold it back from turning more people into houses. She's not sure how long till she can use it again safely, but is glad she was able to repay the Jawbreakers.

Sabrina says her goodbyes and wanders off into the night. Harvey D. Godlove has 28 hours remaining on his clock, so Chris Masters steals a nearby Honda Civic so they can hit the road again. Virginia deals in as the Vanguard, with Only The Good Die Young turning into a giant angel that is good at punching. Chris syncs his phone to the car audio system and starts playing EDM music.

Later in the morning while they're driving through Tennessee, Virginia and Harvey talk quietly in the back. Virginia thanks Harvey for pulling through for her despite being at each other's throats around six hours earlier. Harvey remarks that he didn't want her to get hurt, especially after she saved his life in the Bass Pro Pyramid. He also asks if she's doing ok, since Michael-Valentine was the closest thing she had to family. Virginia doesn't think this is true. Harvey, Chili, and Chris are the closest thing to family for her. Harvey declares the two of them 'bros for life'.

At 10am, the Alta Drive Jawbreakers exit Tennessee and enter East Virginia (the Coin State) on the Interstate 81. It's largely a long, boring drive, as the two men sending assassins after them are dead. At around 1:30/2pm, they enter a traffic jam in the middle of nowhere. Chris finds a traffic alert for their location on his phone, and suggests to Virginia they drive off-road past the cars. As Virginia does this, they get closer to the source of the traffic jam. Up ahead is a crowd of people who've left their cars, worklights, and a moving truck blocking the road. Beyond the truck is a number of black Cadillacs that Chris recognizes as likely being from the government.

In a field on the right side of the road are two rows of poorly-maintained large busts of former Presidents. There are also some men in black suits patrolling a barricade in front of the truck. The Alta Drive Jawbreakers try to drive around this, and the men in black suits rush the car gesturing for them to stop and reaching for their guns. A man on top of the moving truck is pointing a sniper rifle their way. The men command Harvey to leave and tell him that President Henry Dracula is here.

While the Jawbreakers discuss what to do next, President Dracula walks into the fields of busts. After confirming that it is the President, Chris looks up on his phone and finds out that he is here to potentially take one of these busts to decorate the White House. Chris suggests waiting, as a detour would likely lose them more time. A local radio station, WCRD, reports it is unknown how much longer President Dracula will take. Chris bets with Harvey which bust Dracula will pick. Chris thinks Roosevelt, Harvey thinks Lincoln.

As President Dracula selects the bust of Roosevelt, he turns his head and looks in the direction of the Jawbreakers. Dracula whispers something to the Secret Service agent next to him, and suddenly one of their tires is shot out. The car is swarmed by two dozen Secret Service agents who brandish guns and command them to get on the ground. Everyone complies. Harvey, Chris, and Virginia get their hands zip-tied behind their back, and Chili gets hogtied with a zip-tie. They all get marched over to the President's limo and shoved inside.

Harvey immediately steals some alcohol with his feet, and Chili chews at her bindings. The door opens and President Dracula sits down inside. He's dismayed at them being tied up and orders someone to fix that. Dracula wants to know why they're here and who they are. Harvey, Chris, and Virginia introduce themselves and Harvey says they're going to New Jersey for family and casinos. Dracula does not believe them, as he knows they have Eidolons, they smell like Ron, and so are likely here to kill him.

Harvey and Virginia badly explain the events of ROCK #1, but President Dracula starts to believe them when Chris points out the clock on Harvey's chest and says they're being coerced by Lady Luck. Dracula does not like Lady Luck, so wants to kill them to foil whatever her plan is. Harvey suggests he goes with them to help them kill Lady Luck, but Dracula needs evidence that what they're saying is true. They refuse to tell him where the briefcase of Eidolon drug is, so instead Chris pulls out Flamingo Chris and explains how Lady Luck took his intelligence from him and resurrected him.

President Dracula takes this as sufficient evidence that the Jawbreakers do not like Lady Luck. He mentions her motive is always to cause a Total Eclipse of the Heart, and he'll go with them to kill her. Dracula picks up the phone in the limo and instructs the Secret Service that he needs a driver to take them to Newark, New Jersey. No Secret Service are to go with them, but bring busts of Teddy Roosevelt, James Garfield, and George Washington in the moving truck.

Virginia asks if President Dracula knows who Michael-Valentine is. Upon hearing the name, Dracula recognizes it as the smell he's been picking up from Virginia this whole time. Harvey explains that they turned Michael-Valentine into a house, essentially killing him. Dracula is impressed and wants to hear all about it on the drive ahead.

Appearances
● Chili the Fox // Little Lies

● Chris Masters // Ironspy

● Flamingo Chris

● Harvey D. Godlove // Here It Goes Again

● Henry Dracula // Hot Blooded & Bat Out Of Hell

● Sabrina Bryan // Burning Down the House

● Virginia Valentine // Only The Good Die Young

Trivia

 * In a remark about visiting Washington, D.C., Harvey D. Godlove establishes that there is both a White House and an inverted White House on top of it.
 * This is a reference to Castlevania games which can sometimes include an inverted version of the main castle.
 * Luke Varner continues and establishes that Henry Dracula started a program to build inverted versions on top of all buildings, but stopped after a few major buildings in Washington, D.C.
 * After a discussion where Harvey compares the President of the United States to a mob boss, Chris Masters insists that they will not be assassinating President Henry Dracula.
 * The large busts of Presidents in a field in Virginia are real, leftover from a failed Presidents Park.
 * Harvey establishes that President Dracula passed laws that revitalized the gambling scene around Atlantic City, New Jersey.